Sunday Thoughts: Power

I was promised in a blessing that I would find power in reading the scriptures. So, when my ward started a Book of Mormon reading program this month, I decided to take that promise literally and look for the word "power" and evidences of God's power. Here are some things I have learned so far about power.

1. The Book of Mormon talks about God's power A LOT. Rather than just thinking of this book as "another testament of Jesus Christ," I'm starting to call it "another testament of Jesus Christ's power." Most chapters mention the word "power" at least once; some chapters bring it up several times. So far, all chapters provide evidence of the power of God as it works in the lives of the Nephites and Lamanites.
2. God does not hesitate to use His power. Instead, we are the ones who hesitate. It was Laman and Lemuel who doubted and hesitated in the face of Laban's so-called power. Nephi knew and testified that God could overpower Laban. But even then, when bold Nephi was asked by God to kill Laban, Nephi hesitated. The Spirit reminded him of his testimony that God could do all things, even through a mere human like Nephi. This truth makes me wonder what blessings I am missing out on because I hesitate in my faith.
3. Preparation for power has also come up a lot in 1 Nephi. Think of the 1 Nephi 3:7, where Nephi testifies that God prepares the way for us to use His power and obey His commandments. That verse is only the tip of the preparation iceberg. Therefore, I ask myself: what is God preparing me to do? How will I need to use His power?
4. The Godhead are not the only beings with power. Today I read 2 Nephi 2, where Lehi describes the fall of Satan and the power that Satan wields. Of course, Satan's power cannot match God's, but we do need to be vigilant and rely on God's power in order to overcome the power that Satan uses against us.

As I continue through my readings, I will add more lessons about power. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I need the power of God daily. I'm sure the Book of Mormon will teach me ways to access that power and what it means to use it.

Hardwired: A Limping Panther

I have a black laptop named Panther (I name things that I spend time with, okay?). My daddy gave Panther to me for my birthday four years ago when he noticed that my graduate school netbook (named Athena) was slower than a tortoise. I cherished Panther and vowed to jumpstart my writing career with him.

I wrote 15 book drafts with Panther, including four Nanowrimo projects, and not including dozens of other smaller writings. I grew and stretched and failed and learned as a writer with Panther. I discovered who I was as a writer and what it was I liked to write with Panther.

He has lasted twice as long as any other laptop I've owned, but now he limps along. The battery lasts twenty minutes without being plugged into the wall. The screen is smudged and dirty. The keys are worn smooth. But he was still functioning perfectly until one day..."he took a little tumble off the cliff."

He fell off the computer tray onto the hard tile floor. The outer shell cracked a little, but something got jostled inside. Now he gasps for life, running three minutes at a time before freezing up. And I mourn him already. He was my writing partner, my daily companion every November of his life. And now he is just wires and chips that don't work.

Another will have to take his place and finish the work he started. But who?

Stay tuned for Part II

To Rosalie Brooke, a poem

This is the babe born of thunder and spiders,

A rose with hidden thorns.

She’ll sing like a brook as she conquers her dreams,

No vase can keep our rose, it seems,

A babe unafraid of the storms.

And when we need a hero sweet,

We’ll call for the rose with the monkey feet

And she’ll bare her thorns ‘til the world is beat,

The babe of thunder and spiders.

Then she’ll settle back in her ebony hair,

The rose without a vase.

And she’ll laugh and she’ll smile while time grows old,

While her spirit is ever gilt with gold,

While the rest of us give chase.

"Some Herons" by Mary Oliver

Source

A blue preacher flew
toward the swamp,
in slow motion.

On the leafy banks,
an old Chinese poet,
hunched in the white gown of his wings,

was waiting.
The water
was the kind of dark silk

that has silver lines
shot through it
when it is touched by the wind

or is splashed upward,
in a small, quick flower,
by the life beneath it.

The preacher
made his difficult landing,
his skirts up around his knees.

The poet's eyes
flared, just as a poet's eyes
are said to do

when the poet is awakened
from the forest of meditation.
It was summer.

It was only a few moment's past the sun's rising,
which meant that the whole long sweet day
lay before them.

They greeted each other,
rumpling their gowns for an instant,
and then smoothing them.

They entered the water,
and instantly two more herons--
equally as beautiful--

joined them and stood just beneath them
in the black, polished water
where they fished, all day.

A House of Learning - March

This is a little late, thanks to rampant technology problems, but I did so many things in March to make my house a house of learning!

1. Adjunct Dinner

I went to a fun, networking, celebratory dinner for the adjunct faculty of the English department. Aside from eating delicious food, I made some new friends among my co-workers. When I meet new people, I try to learn something from them, so I asked these lovely ladies to give me foreign language movie recommendations. Foreign movie marathon this summer?

2. Reading Series

The student readings were amazing. The university has lots of impressive talent in short essays, short stories, and poetry. I was inspired to write more for my Roxana Roy ghost story.

3. Stake Conference

Among the many things I gleaned from stake conference, foremost in my mind is the importance of waiting. Waiting is faith. Waiting is instruction. Waiting is, therefore, sacred.

I also learned to stop attending meetings and to start attending revelatory sessions. I got really excited about rebranding my meetings, especially since I have been experiencing adulthood burnout.

4. Face to Face

Elder Holland, Sister Stephens, and Elder Hallstrom kindly dropped some truth bombs into my lap, and I had a great time gathering with my neighbors to watch.

5. Women's Services Keynote: "Claiming Your Education" by Susan Madsen

From Dr. Madsen, I learned a lot about the ways in which Utah women fall behind the rest of the nation in percentages of college graduates. Many women feel that education is emphasized in Utah culture, but graduating from college is not part of that emphasis. Higher education actually benefits women in terms of economics, health and well-being, civic and community engagement, parenting, intellectual and cognitive skills, and self-development. So how do we help more women graduate? We can help them save money for college, visit college campuses, apply for and receive scholarships, and take AP courses. We need to encourage girls very early to obtain a college degree.

I applied this to my relationships with my cousins and my nieces (and nephews), so I am going to be talking up my college degree and bringing my family members to campus as often as I get a chance.

6. Mormon Insights contest submission

I submitted a piece of writing to a writing contest! I did not win, but I was proud of myself for finishing a project and submitting it. It's time to get back into that swing of things.

7. Education in Zion lecture: "My Journey as a Scholar of Faith" by Jini Roby

Dr. Roby spoke of her upbringing in war-torn Korea. She lived with her grandmother in a remote village where she learned as a survival mechanism, then as a love, then as a way to give back to her world. She outlearned her village teachers and, through a series of sacrifices on both her and her grandmother's parts, eventually made her way to Seoul for school. Unfortunately, she had to part ways with her grandmother, who couldn't survive in Seoul, so Dr. Roby lived in an orphanage. She was eventually adopted by a family in Utah, and now she does humanitarian research and work so that children do not have to suffer as she (and many others) did.

I loved hearing her story, so different from my own--though we both share a passion for, a relationship with, learning.

8. Chair of a panel for English Symposium (YA Lit)

I volunteered for the BYU English Symposium as a chair for the YA literature panel. I learned a lot from the presenters, all of whom were students reporting on original research they had done in their English and English Education majors. Topics ranged from cover art to the prominent trope of blacking out.

9. First 50 Years of Relief Society lecture

I bought a book so that I could see Eliza R. Snow's notes from her service as the Relief Society secretary. NERD.

10. Wu Man concert

Wu Man performed on a Chinese stringed instrument called the pipa, an onomatopoeia for the sound it makes. She was very personable and informative as she talked between pieces, and the music itself was so unique. I recommend looking her up on Youtube if you want a taste of the pipa.

11. International Cinema: The Cave of Forgotten Dreams

You guys. Werner Herzog took a documentary crew into an ancient cave and talked about what it means to be human, to make art, to have dreams. It was amazing. Highly, highly recommend.

12. Taste of Sunrise

This play was performed in ASL and speech, and several of the actors were deaf or hard of hearing. Sign language can be so dramatic and evocative--I loved watching the actors more so than in any other play. And also, I left the performance in tears.


I did several other things in March, but they will have to be in a separate post. I'm exhausted! Cheers!

Crawling

Fiction - Another Horrific Short Story (from a writing prompt)

            It was dark and cold and the mud rose in the garden as the river rose at the edge of the woods and the rain pelted the side of the house and I checked out the attic window one more time. IT, a twisted creature I had never seen before and which I wished I would never see again, was still crawling through the black sludge that used to give life to Mama’s gourds. I shivered.

            The lamp at my feet flickered, and I tightened the quilt around my shoulders, turning away from the window. Mama would be home soon, I thought. Mama would take care of the thing in the garden, crawling crawling like a slug.

            Only it wasn’t a slug. It was far too big, more the size of the dog that lived next door which would sometimes lick my hand through a hole in the fence.

            Only it wasn’t the dog. From my window up above, I had seen the neighbor bring him inside when the rain started.

            When the wind shifted, and the other side of the house began to get soaked, I checked the garden again. Crawling crawling, this way and that—and then it stopped and raised a swollen head to look up at me peering down through the attic window.

            I scurried back, accidentally knocking over the lamp and extinguishing the flame, and I was crawling crawling to the attic stairs and screaming for Mama but I knew, I knew that Mama wasn’t coming and Mama wasn’t going to take care of the thing in the garden.

            Because Mama was already in the garden, crawling crawling, in the mud.

Blind Date

Fiction - A Horrific Short Story

I have never desecrated Shakespeare before, but I am tempted right now to chuck King Lear at my roommate. She can sense my unspoken desire just by glancing at the bent book and my white knuckles.

"Whoa, Mal," she says, backing through the doorway. "Don't get mad. It's just a blind date."

"I didn't ask to be set up. Again."

"Didn't you, though?" She twists her fingers around a curl of blond hair. "We were up until 3am the other night talking about how much it sucks to be single this time of year."

She is right, but I refuse to acknowledge that. "Carrie, it's October."

"I thought it was a weird choice, too. But to each her own." She spins around and races to her room down the hall. "He's picking you up at 6."

"I can't go!" I shout from the doorway. She has already disappeared into the pink depths that she shares with Kate.

"Yes, you can." Her head reappears. "Remember to be nice. You're his blind date, too."

I retreat to my room and stare at the ugly wallpaper for a few minutes while I fume. This will be the fourth blind date Carrie has set me up on. The fourth time she has done so without my permission.

First, there was Aaron. He was slimy and left trails of grease across the screen of his smartphone, which he did not set down for the entirety of our pizza dinner. Also, he chewed with his mouth open. The date was cut short when I excused myself to throw up in the restaurant bathroom. He took me home shortly thereafter, one hand on the steering wheel, the other on his phone.

Then, there was Jack. Jack didn't speak except to tell me things that were wrong with me. My necklace was crooked. My hair was out of place. My lip curled up on one side. I had a stupid major. I breathed funny. Fortunately, I did one thing right that evening; he didn't complain when I asked to go home.

Last came Kyle. Kyle was Carrie's cousin. Kyle flirted with other girls while we were out. By the end of the night, Kyle still didn't know my name.

Most single women of a certain age have their own list. I know I'm not the only one.

Tired of the yellow wallpaper, I close my bedroom door gently and stare at the pictures hiding on the back side. I stole them all from the internet, but the markings are my own. I drew the red pizza sauce spilling from Aaron's mouth. I drew the horns on Jack's head. I drew the arrows through Kyle's chest. They are just three among hundreds of pictures, hundreds of ill-matched dates. Each picture is unique, but they all have something in common: I have crossed out their eyes with a bright red marker.

You're his blind date, too.

I decide that there is always room for one more picture. I put on my favorite outfit--the navy blue dress and the gray shoes--and tie my hair up in a ballerina bun. It is the same thing I do for every blind date (Jack thought it was boring), but tonight I do something different.

I sit down in front of the mirror and gaze over the familiar flesh of my face. My makeup is so-so, applied quickly as I rushed out to school this morning. Carrie usually suggests that I do smokey eyes for a date, but I will do something shocking tonight. I will do something to end all blind dates. The blind date of all blind dates.

It takes me a while to get it right, but I am satisfied with my work.

The doorbell rings right at 6pm. I fumble around in the dark of our apartment before I finally answer the door. When he sees me, my date screams. He screams and screams. My roommates come running from their hiding spots. They scream, too.

I smile, and my lip curls up on one side. I dab a streak of blood from my cheek. "Do I look that bad? What's wrong?"

No one responds except with more screaming. I think someone is dialing 911--I can't quite tell. I remain at the open door, plastering on my most polite, practiced smile.

"What's wrong?" I repeat. "I'm just a blind date."

I don't think any of these unread dimwits appreciates the way my work references Oedipus and Gloucester. According to literary canon, I have joined the best of tragic company. I am as tragic as I feel.

The screaming does not stop, but I was promised an evening out. Annoyed, I set my gouged and bloodied eyeballs on the kitchen counter and shuffle out the door without them to treat myself to a blind date.

Studying the Scriptures

I confess: I have an obsession with scripture study--specifically, with studying the Book of Mormon. I've compiled some of the methods I use to make the scriptures more meaningful, and at the end I have also included some methods my friends have used.

1. Word Search

This practice stemmed from two desires: (a) to read the Book of Mormon quickly to see the big picture, and (b) to learn more about the ways certain words appear in the Book of Mormon. I bought a cheap copy, picked a word/phrase/concept, and set to work. I read quite speedily, pausing only to hover over the word I had selected for that round. When I found the word, I highlighted it and made a mental note about the context it appeared in. At first, I read for "light." When I finished, I started over, reading for every instance of "faith." I colored faith orange to represent the fire of faith, and I discovered that the simple book of Enos was burning bright.

2. Word Search ON STEROIDS: Dedicated to a Single Topic

A couple of years ago, I spent a long time thinking about hope, about how I needed hope. So I bought yet another cheap copy of the Book of Mormon and turned it into my Hope - Book Of Mormon. Not only did I highlight every instance of the word "hope," but I also began feeling hope every time God's promises and covenants were mentioned. I highlighted those, too. And on the flyleaf at the beginning of the book, I wrote down my favorite thoughts on hope: a poem  by Emily Dickinson, and the greatest two hopeful scriptures I could think of, Moroni 7:41 and Alma 32:21. After that read-through, I feel like I an expert on hope.

3. Cross Reference

This practice is by far the most tedious. I have yet to complete a thorough reading of the Book of Mormon using cross referencing, but the concept is simple enough. As I read, I find a gospel topic and research it using conference talks. When I find a talk with a relevant quote or message, I write the quote down and stick it into the chapter, being careful to trim the sticky note so that it doesn't cover up the actual text. The writing and trimming take forever, but I have learned a lot about applying the scriptures to my modern lifestyle. It also helps to boil down a complicated chapter to a few key gospel topics.

4. Foreign Language Edition

I love languages. I love the Book of Mormon. So, when I was learning Spanish in college, I combined these two loves and bought myself El Libro de Mormón. Reading familiar scriptures in a new language is an eye-opening experience--the language suddenly begins to make sense. I became more aware of the struggle of translating scripture. I quickly memorized 1 Nefi 3:7, and years later, I can still recite it with the same lyrical rhythm. Reading the Book of Mormon in Spanish gave me a confidence in the language, but it also gave me a confidence in my testimony. The Spirit is with the book, no matter what language it is written in (which wasn't English to begin with).

5. Suggestions from Elsewhom

I got these study methods from the awesome members of my Relief Society. Clearly, I read too selfishly; most of these suggestions include sharing what you read with someone else. I'm definitely going to develop one of those suggestions so that I can reach out and truly apply my scripture study.

• Companion study: read the scriptures with someone else and discuss the text
• Teach the scriptures: read with the intent to teach someone, particularly someone of another faith
• Scripture speak: read the scriptures out loud
• Wake up with the scriptures: study first thing in the morning to dedicate your day to God
• Imagine the scriptures: put yourself into the story to make it come alive
• The Bednar approach: like the word search except searching for answers to a single question while reading
• Interrogate the scriptures: read with questions in mind and write down answers and revelation
• Where's Christ?: like Where's Waldo? except you're searching for Christ's role 
• Word search with the Young Women values: a great adaptation of my word search method
• Reach out: read with specific people in mind and make note of verses that could help uplift them
• Share!: the scriptures are a gift, so study and then share what you learn (or maybe even share the scriptures themselves)
• Scripture prescriptions: find scriptures to read when you're happy, when you're sad, when you're anxious, when you're sick, when you're confused, etc. and write out prescriptions with the verses included (can be personal or given to someone else)

Stumps

My life is like an overgrown orchard.

I try to curate my friendships

To find like-minded spirits

To find bosom friends

To find people like me.

But the trees grow when and where they may,

As people step into my sphere, my orbit,

And the fruit of friends ripens when I least expect it

And it is delicious.

I don’t control my overgrown orchard, but

I do take care of the trees.

But the stumps.

But the stumps.

Where a life was cut short

Before I was ready to let the tree go

Before I was done eating the fruit

And now there are shadows on the orchard floor

Where fruit never ripens and falls

And it’s in those deserts between the trees

That I watch the orchard blossom or rot

That I watch the seasons come and go

And the sun shine through the leaves

In warm golds and cold silvers,

All while I sit on the stump of a friend.

Bodily Functions

"Tight Rope" by isabelsophia

Bodily functions: not what it sounds like (or smells like). A few weeks ago, I attended a body image lecture by Dr. Lindsay Kite and Dr. Lexie Kite (check out their website), and they encouraged us to think about all the great things our bodies can do. I accepted their invitation because I want to reconcile with my body. In the past, I have felt very betrayed by my body. I felt like it was keeping my spirit from doing the things I wanted to do. I tried to distance myself from my body. I told myself that I was just a spirit with a body, but the gospel truth is that I am a spirit and a body. Both together make the soul. And I want to forge a stronger soul.

Here are the cool things my body can do/has done:

My body can work on big projects and tiny projects.
My body can smell when the gas stove has been left on.
My body can collect dirt and sand and goatheads.
My body can fall off a trampoline.
My body can share heat with my cold kitty on a wintry evening.
My body can read for hours.
My body can taste salty, spicy, sweet, and bitter foods.
My body can be corrected--like my vision and teeth have been.
My body can act as proxy to receive ordinances for those who are dead, whose bodies cannot.
My body can tie down a fence during a windstorm.
My body can take a 3-hour-long written exam.
My body can go without food for 24 hours.
My body, in its sleep, can save someone from choking.
My body can give a hug to a grieving friend.
My body can smack a volleyball past taller, bigger bodies.
My body can warn me about extreme temperatures.
My body can heal from injury and illness.
My body can stay awake during evening classes and on long drives.
My body can shelter my spirit and give it opportunities to expand.
My body can get rid of poisonous substances.
My body can travel through time (some call it "aging"; I call it time travel).
My body can shake to alert me to danger.
My body can produce loud laughter and big smiles.

I could go on forever. Not everyone's body can do the same things mine can do. Likewise, my body cannot do the same things that other bodies can do. But it is my body. It is part of my soul. And yes, it will change through time and circumstance, and yes, it has weaknesses and faults, and no, I don't want to trade it for another.

Sabbath Study: Stake Conference Edition

This weekend in stake conference, I learned that God has carved beautiful, divine sacred spaces for me. I call them "waiting." He calls them "instruction." Often, I feel like I am waiting for promised blessings to come, but that waiting should not be passive. That period of time is a school. It is a temple. It is learning not to rely on the mortal construct of time. It is learning of the ways and power of God. It is investing in God and God investing in you. It is the home of our faith in Christ. Instead of focusing on the waiting, focus on the learning "even by study and also by faith." Inhabit the temple of waiting. Arrive early for your blessings so that you can wait and learn with purpose.

Read more about sacred learning moments.

A House of Learning - February

1. Theatre

I attended an adaptation of my favorite Shakespeare comedy, Twelfth Night. I have a problem (read: obsession) when it comes to stories about women dressing up as men to move through society more easily. The BYU Young Company did a great job setting the classic story in the wild American West, as well as simplifying the story for an audience of children. I thoroughly enjoyed the music and the audience interaction--it seemed very authentic for a Shakespeare performance.

2. Weekly reading series

Ashley Seitz-Kramer, a Utah poet, read some great poems to us from her collection Museum of Distance, which I later purchased out of awe. She is not only an inspirational writer, but she turned her reading into an art. She taught me the importance of the pause and the silence before reading, when we let the air clear itself of past words and we breathe in and pause to wait for and hunger for more words.

I also heard some poems by a former Utah poet, Wyn Cooper. He read a few postcard poems--poems that are written as notes to people or things or places or emotions or places of mind. He taught me to have fun with poetry, to make poetry accessible to its readers. He also talked a bit about the writing process of a poet. Many poets edit a poem after they publish it; thereby, the poem becomes a constantly evolving, living work. Cooper also explained something about Joyce Carol Oates: she was always attached to a typewriter. She would bring it in the car and write on long drives, and she would even have several typewriters lined up at home, each with a different project she was working on. When she got bored with one, she would move down the line to the next.

3. Art lecture 

At a lecture on campus, local artist James Christensen discussed 24 of his paintings featuring fascinating female figures. I've had this painting ("Virtue") in my bedroom, and I didn't even know it was his. 

I love art with a high contrast between light and dark, especially when the light is warm, a practice called tenebrism. Anyway, the artist himself was friendly, funny, and personable. He used to be a bishop in my stake, so my stake building is full of his work. His art is inspiring, whimsical, and narrative.

4. Fireside

I attended a fireside about the archaeology of Ancient America and learned tons about the Adena and Hopewell cultures and their parallels to the Book of Mormon. The presenter made a great case arguing that the Adena people could be the Jaredites and the Hopewell could be the Nephites and Lamanites. Even if that isn't true, his message helped me to understand that the Book of Mormon is real. There's no reason why those people shouldn't have left traces behind them. And now, when I read the Book of Mormon, everything is more tangible.

I definitely have never learned so much about the inhabitants of my own country. That part of history gets skipped over for the more culturally significant Aztecs, Olmecs, and Mayans.

5. Women's Services lecture: Beauty Redefined

The BYU Women's Service office hosted a lecture by media and body image professors (and twin sisters), Lexie Kite and Lindsay Kite. Here are some insights I got from the Drs. Kite: 

• Stop talking about only looks when complimenting others, especially on social media.
• Stop self-objectifying (thinking about being looked at). 
• Resist these habits with mental might, physical fortitude, social skillfulness, and spiritual strength.
• Your body is an instrument for you to use, not an ornament.
• Be more than just a body. In return, see others as more than just bodies.

6. Temple tours

The Provo City Center Temple offered tours during February, and I was able to go on two tours. The first was the bridal tour, and they walked groups of single women through the bridal room and up the tall, twisting staircase to a sealing room, where the sun was setting just behind a stained glass window. It was truly gorgeous. Divine. The second tour took us through the rest of the temple, which was small but ornate. With all the authentic workmanship, I felt like I was stepping into the 1920s.

7. BOOKS

In February, I read 6 books and listened to 1 audiobook (Pride and Prejudice). I went on a Louise Plummer and Carol Lynch Williams kick, and it was a glorious kick. I have met both women and found them kindred spirits. Their writing makes me want to write volumes.

February Favorites

1. Product: Spray shampoo for cats

Waterless. Delicious scents. Easy application (once the cat gets over the fear of being sprayed with liquid).

2. Clothes: Downeast blouses

Beautiful, affordable, comfortable, modest, and at the BYUStore, no less. Easy easy access for me.

3. Art: James Christensen's "Faith, Hope, and Charity"

A little whimsy, a lot of gospel feelings.

4. Film: Kiki's Delivery Service

Not a new discovery, but a much beloved recent discovery. Also, I want to do a Kiki cosplay for FanX. I love the idea of Kiki's happy, simple, working life.

Honorable Mention: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, because Mr. Darcy in black leather.

5. TV: DC's Legends of Tomorrow

I'm loving the DC TV CW-verse. There's probably a more eloquent way of wording that. But at any rate, their newest addition is a fun treat with characters I love and time-traveling that I love even more.

Honorable Mention: Agent Carter, always beloved and a smashing good time. Plus musical numbers!

6. Binge-watch: Fuller House

Nostalgia? Check. Female friendships? Check. Feel-good TV? CHECK.

Sabbath Study

"Waiting" by Connie Chadwell

"He [God] knows what we need, what we can wait for, and what we can do without."

- Lynn Muir, "Simple Lessons from a Few Cans of Soup"

Anger Management Problems

The Flame by Jackson Pollock

My mother has a bookshelf of villains.
Tiny, plastic hands and hooks and tentacles
Extending from wily reds and angry purples,
        And billowing blacks,
The primary colors of being the bad guy.

I suppose that is why I came to her,
Flushed and bruised and screaming,
Just in time for lunch on a Wednesday,
In the middle of the story of that week,
And I raised my head right there in the hospital
To see if the world had heroes to pick on.

College of Humanities - Feast!

The College of Humanities at BYU turned 50 years old this past year, and in typical academic fashion, we celebrated with a fine feast and a book release. The college was founded in 1965, so we were encouraged to dress in 60s fashion--and if there's anything I enjoy, it's dressing up outside of my time and reality. The previous dean published a collection of his writings, and we all got a free copy. It's gorgeous and full of spiritual insights. Oh, and also I won an orchid. It matched my dress.

My evening in one image.

The best part of the evening was being introduced to the newest department in the college: Art History. Each faculty member chose a piece of art that represented their work and somehow commemorated the number 50. They only spoke briefly, but I tasted that sweet nectar of an art history lecture and I wanted more.

The newest faculty member taught us about depictions of the Veil of Veronica, a Catholic legend of a woman who wiped Christ's sweaty, bloodstained face on his way to Calvary. The cloth she used retained the image of Christ's face, just as we are to retain Christ's image in our countenances, his example in our hearts. 

Creepy, yet inspirational?

So, happy birthday, College of Humanities! I enjoyed both the physical and intellectual food at your party, and I am so proud to be a (teeny tiny) part of your legacy.

Howard W. Hunter: Help from on High

I spent most of Sunday School today hastily preparing a lesson for Relief Society after receiving an assignment from the Relief Society president. Luckily, I had already read the chapter and fallen in love with it. President Hunter really knew his scriptures and had a sense of the poetry of the gospel. In no deliberate order, here are some insights I got from him about receiving help from on high:

• 1 Corinthians 2 is a chapter about spiritual knowledge, or "the mind of Christ." It teaches us that spiritual knowledge is spiritually discerned and is not gained through our physical senses alone. 
• To gain spiritual knowledge, you need to prepare by meditating and pondering. As you suppress the sensations and distractions of the physical plane, as you consciously shed worldly thoughts from your mind, you can more easily step onto the spiritual plane. You hone your spiritual senses and expand your soul so it can receive more light and truth. You conquer the natural man.
• As you meditate and ponder before prayer, think about the things you need help with. Generate a list so you don't forget what to pray about--this list will come in handy when the Lord provides revelation and answers and promptings.
• Spiritual knowledge and guidance then comes through prayer and action. If you inquire, the Lord will inspire.
• Pray for everything, the good and the bad. Praying for others, especially your enemy, will teach you about them. You will come to know that everyone has a divine identity, that everyone needs help, that everyone needs your love and respect.

My big takeaway: Gain "the mind of Christ" 

by pondering, praying, and then acting. 

Engage in prayerwork.

Book Haul

So pretty and colorful, no? I love the art of books. Indulge me for a moment as I drool over my most recent acquisitions.

1. The Princess and the Goblin by George MacDonald

I received this book as a gift for Galentine's Day.

2. Princess Academy (UK cover) by Shannon Hale

This book was a gift from a friend who attend Life, the Universe, and Everything when I could not.

3. Isla and the Happily Ever After by Stephanie Perkins

I loved the first two books in this series, mostly because I love the characters and the elegantly quirky writing style. Also because I met Stephanie a few years ago and she was bomb.

4. Anne of Green Gables, 5. Anne of Avonlea, and 6. Anne of the Island by L.M. Montgomery

I could not resist these covers when I was walking through the university bookstore the other day. Besides, I have only read the first book but I WANT MORE.

8. Museum of Distance by Ashley Seitz-Kramer

I attended her reading last week, and I was enchanted by the subjects of her poetry. She made me want to write better.

9. Salt to the Sea by Ruta Sepetys

I love Ruta's books. This one makes me cry the most of all of them. She shares stories from the ignored outskirts of history, and she makes them feel so immediate and tangible. I shed so many tears over this book that I was certain that was what the title was referring to. I was adding salt to the sea.

Peer Review and the Gospel

In my writing classes, I teach the peer review process. A lot of students are hesitant to get feedback from their peers because the peers are not experts, the peers are not the teacher, the peers are not the ones giving the grade, etc. At the same time, the students are also hesitant to give feedback to their peers for comparable reasons. Regardless of those hesitations, I require peer review.

Why am I so evil?

Peer review is necessary for all writers. Here are a few of the reasons:

1. Peer review fulfills the purpose of writing

We never write into the void; we always write to an audience, and peer review provides an opportunity to test our product on an audience. If we have no audience, why bother to write? Therefore, peer review helps make writing purposeful.

2. Peer review is collaborative and we are dumb

I should clarify: we are dumb individually but smart together. Every writer has strengths and weaknesses. Every writer notices different things. For example, I am good at spotting errors punctuation but I need help spotting inconsistencies in my writing style. Another writer can help me make up the difference. Together, we improve.

3. Peer review is a teacher

Peer review requires humility, trust, and effort. Having someone read and critique your writing is terrifying and sometimes humiliating. We can remove that sting and fear through humility. Peer review teaches us to accept correction and maybe even to be inspired by someone else. Since peer review is usually reciprocal, it also teaches us to work to help someone else be corrected and inspired.

4. Peer review is a gospel principle

We have peer review in the gospel, too. The Lord critiques and corrects and inspires those he loves. Such correction fulfills the purpose of life. We need to improve. Repentance (improvement) allows us to collaborate with the Lord because we can't do it on our own. It teaches us to be humble, to trust the Lord, and to work and serve.

My favorite thing about this comparison is that repentance truly is peer review. The Lord is our partner, our equal, when we engage in the process. He becomes our friend and peer. Let's not be so afraid of peer review. Let's improve with the help of our peer.

Music and Anxiety

I listen to and create music for many reasons, but recently I realized that I often play music to relieve my anxiety. Sometimes, even, to prevent anxiety.

When I'm on my own, I prefer loud, jarring, dark music. I love to play the themes of movie villains on the piano. I like to sing eerie songs. I write stories to the tune of horror movie soundtracks. The emotions and the darkness help me to process my feelings of fear and anger, and I don't usually stop playing until those feelings are completed and tucked into a memory file.

A personal favorite to play loud and hard.

But I have the most anxiety right as I am falling asleep. I don't want to be processing emotions late at night; I want to make sure they are all put away. I want to tuck them into bed at night so they don't rage and bother me. So I listen to gentle, cheerful music. Disney songs. Religious music. Mindy Gledhill. You know, bedtime songs.

I love love love singing about poetry.

My iPod is ready to switch from one extreme to the other: I built in a playlist called Light Heart and another called Dark Heart. It's all about the anxiety.

Actually, this whole light heart/dark heart thing describes my storytelling pretty accurately, too. Maybe it's not all about anxiety. ;)

The Doors Along the Path

"When one door shuts, another opens, even for a prophet in prison. We are not always wise enough or experienced enough to judge adequately all of the possible entries and exits. The mansion that God prepares for each of his beloved children may have only certain hallways and banisters, special carpets and curtains that he would have us pass on our way to possess it."

- President Howard W. Hunter, "The Opening and Closing of Doors"

These photos are of the Provo City Center Temple, and they remind me so much of the descriptions of the mansions God prepares for us. There are many hallways and doors and stairs and some ways are shut and some are open, but the path that God provides will always lead us to the same place: into His arms. And who am I to question that path?

A House of Learning - January

I did a lot of things in January to establish my home as "a house of learning." Most of these things were super free.

1. Ice skating

I don't do a lot of physical learning, but when the opportunity presents itself, I'm all game. Though I have ice skated before, I always struggle to get started again. Usually, I spend all my time thinking through the laws of physics and how I can speed up and slow down and turn and not fall over. My friends giggled at me because every time they skated past I was bending my knees, hunkering down, and whispering, "Physics, physics, physics."

2. International cinema

I attended a showing of a 1925 silent Danish film called Master of the House. It was a great picture about a man learning compassion for his wife and sharing the chores. But Mads, his former nanny, was by the far the best character. See her here, overlooking the love that she has encouraged.

The literal translation of the title is Thou Shalt Honor Thy Wife.

Go, 1925!

3. Organization workshop

I went to an organization workshop at my library one Thursday night, and while I was definitely the youngest and most single person in the room, I learned a lot about managing my things, including such tips as only keep collectible items that you can easily display (minimally) and collect containers to put things in. This education was an important part of my 2016 resolution to establish a house of order! And, of course, it was totally free.

4. Weekly devotional/forum

Every Tuesday, I watched the campus devotional. I learned about building divine relationships by being both a learner and a lifter, about seeking to know truth by study and faith and context, and about using my fears as opportunities to exercise faith and good works. In the forum by Liz Wiseman, I learned about being a multiplier, or someone who increases the intelligence of those around them by providing chances to learn and try and grow. And I learned to give myself such chances, too. I'm also including President and Sister Nelson's worldwide devotional here, too, where I learned about the true definition of being a millennial and preparing the kingdom of God for Christ's return.

Ghost helped me take notes.

5. Weekly reading series

Every Friday, I attended a reading on campus. I go to readings to hear the beautiful sounds of words and to collect trinkets of inspiration and motivation for my own writing. The first reading was performed by Brent Newsom, a poet who did wonderful things with narrative as the poems shared glimpses of a small town. The second reading came from Joni Tevis, a delightful essayist whose attention to detail and unusual settings ignited ideas in my mind. Seriously, all my notes from her reading are notes for my own stories. The third reading was the most radical: Craig Dworkin read a poem that made me fall in love with my language all over again. He read through dictionary definitions of words, and then dictionary definitions of the words in those definitions, and so on and so on, several layers in. The perfect language would not be so complicated. A single word would be its own definition. But the imperfection of English makes it so rich and beautiful.

5. BOOKS

This year, I set a 25-book goal for my Goodreads challenge. I've read 13 books so far. Whoops! Perhaps I should have set my sights higher. Regardless, I have loved every book.

All books appear here except one: the audiobook I listened to.

I read one picture book, two graphic novels, four novels, four memoirs, and one book of essays, and then I listened to a Charles Dickens audiobook.

Nancy Drew, 1938

While searching for the 2007 Nancy Drew movie, I inadvertently stumbled across a quartet of Nancy Drew movies filmed in 1938. The original teenage detective solving mysteries in the era in which she was first written? I was sold.

Doesn't she look fabulous? Also, I'm in love with his hair.

Now, I have read most of the original Nancy Drew books. Thanks to the enthusiasm of my sisters, I have also played nearly all of the Nancy Drew computer games. I have fond memories of being haunted by ghosts and startled by eerie rituals, getting locked out of a mansion during a blizzard and stepping on a creaky stair, solving puzzle after puzzle and interviewing the grumpiest suspects. I always played with my girls: first, my sisters, and later, my roommates. We would play in the dark and scream at the jump scares and throw out our accusations of whodunnit. From Nancy, I learned to wait for people to leave their rooms so I can snoop around. From Nancy, I learned not to follow red herrings. From Nancy, I learned that mistakes early on can lead to genius solutions later on. Needless to say, Nancy has been an important part of my life. She has been a symbol to me of a smart and adventurous and do-gooding woman, like I want to be.

I want people to tell me to stop meddling.

As I popped in the first part of this 1938 series, I was hopeful. I wanted to experience the original Nancy Drew adventures with all the pre-war fashion and feminism. I wanted to fall in love with Nancy all over again. I was looking for a hero.

The very first lines of the movie passed the Bechdel-Wallace test as Nancy led a committee meeting at school. I was thrilled. 

Through the four episodes, Nancy Drew was a leader, a scholar, and a fiercely curious snoop. Her beau (Ned in the books but Ted in the movies for some reason) is the Watson to her Holmes: he doesn't understand her methods, and sometimes he outright does not want to get involved, but she always convinces him to do the dirty work. The only things I wanted more from the 1938 series were her best friends George and Bess. I kinda grew attached to them in the books and in the games, especially when I got to call them for hints, but they were MIA in the films. Maybe I will take their place. After all, I was looking for a hero, and I found a friend.

Nancy, 

I don't think I'm done writing about you. This blog post barely dips below the surface. You have an interesting publication history fraught with ghostwriters and syndication and crossovers with the swoon-worthy Hardy Boys, and you have baffled feminist scholars for years. But more than that, you reminded me of the energetic person that I used to be, that I still want to be. Thank you for being you. I hope we meet again. 

Until then,
Your Faithful Blogger

Defend Yourself

The other day, I took a brief self-defense class taught by my good friend, Jess. Within hours, my whole body ached from the effort of defending itself, but my mind was confident and ready to encounter any number of risks, obstacles, and dangers. Of course, the first rule of self-defense is to avoid those situations whenever possible.

Which is exactly what I did a few days later.

I sat on my couch in the early afternoon (okay, it's a love seat but it serves as the couch in my apartment) and read a book (Lindsey Stirling's charming memoirs). My feline roommate, Ghost, slept on my lap. It's not unusual for loud people to tromp past my front door, but when one man lingered loudly near the door that afternoon, my heart started to race. Ghost likewise was on high alert, rousing from his nap and watching the door with legs tensed for an escape. I was expecting to hear the man open the maintenance closet next door or at least knock on mine. I was not expecting to see my doorknob jiggle.

DEFEND ALL THE THINGS

Everything I've ever learned about self-defense rushed through my head as Ghost ducked and covered under the couch (so much for having a guard-kitty). Luckily, I had already been practicing self-defense: the door was deadbolted. No one was getting in.

The man quickly walked away, and I was left to wonder why he had tried to open my door. Was he looking for doors left unlocked? Did he forget where he was going? To be real, there aren't any other apartments situated like mine in this complex, so it was unlikely that he mistook my door for his own. I was almost a victim.

Now, I recognize that some dangers are impossible to avoid. Some situations are lose-lose situations. For everything else, we have the gift of fear. Gavin de Becker writes in his book, The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence, that "you have the gift of a brilliant internal guardian that stands ready to warn you of hazards and guide you through risky situations." As someone who is anxious and afraid a lot, I know the value of fear (maybe too much [more on that later]). I know what it's like when my hair stands on end or when my stomach migrates to my throat. My fear protects me. I have been locking and deadbolting my door for years, hoping that it is enough to keep the dangers at bay. The other day, it was exactly enough.

And yet, I still take self-defense classes and create long, unique passwords and buy my purses based on their lack of stealability. Because not everyone stops at the doorknob.

And because I've watched too much Criminal Minds.

These ladies are the bomb diggity, though.