Defend Yourself

The other day, I took a brief self-defense class taught by my good friend, Jess. Within hours, my whole body ached from the effort of defending itself, but my mind was confident and ready to encounter any number of risks, obstacles, and dangers. Of course, the first rule of self-defense is to avoid those situations whenever possible.

Which is exactly what I did a few days later.

I sat on my couch in the early afternoon (okay, it's a love seat but it serves as the couch in my apartment) and read a book (Lindsey Stirling's charming memoirs). My feline roommate, Ghost, slept on my lap. It's not unusual for loud people to tromp past my front door, but when one man lingered loudly near the door that afternoon, my heart started to race. Ghost likewise was on high alert, rousing from his nap and watching the door with legs tensed for an escape. I was expecting to hear the man open the maintenance closet next door or at least knock on mine. I was not expecting to see my doorknob jiggle.

DEFEND ALL THE THINGS

Everything I've ever learned about self-defense rushed through my head as Ghost ducked and covered under the couch (so much for having a guard-kitty). Luckily, I had already been practicing self-defense: the door was deadbolted. No one was getting in.

The man quickly walked away, and I was left to wonder why he had tried to open my door. Was he looking for doors left unlocked? Did he forget where he was going? To be real, there aren't any other apartments situated like mine in this complex, so it was unlikely that he mistook my door for his own. I was almost a victim.

Now, I recognize that some dangers are impossible to avoid. Some situations are lose-lose situations. For everything else, we have the gift of fear. Gavin de Becker writes in his book, The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence, that "you have the gift of a brilliant internal guardian that stands ready to warn you of hazards and guide you through risky situations." As someone who is anxious and afraid a lot, I know the value of fear (maybe too much [more on that later]). I know what it's like when my hair stands on end or when my stomach migrates to my throat. My fear protects me. I have been locking and deadbolting my door for years, hoping that it is enough to keep the dangers at bay. The other day, it was exactly enough.

And yet, I still take self-defense classes and create long, unique passwords and buy my purses based on their lack of stealability. Because not everyone stops at the doorknob.

And because I've watched too much Criminal Minds.

These ladies are the bomb diggity, though.

A Note from Emily Dickinson

I'm reading a collection of Emily's letters. My mum fears that I will turn into a recluse like Emily did. I know that there is more to Emily than her unusual social manners, so I have undertaken a study of her life. Her letters to friends and family are sweet and honest and hilarious at times. My favorite line so far comes at the end of a lengthy letter written when she was 14 to her childhood friend, Abiah.

 I have looked my letter over, and find I have written nothing worth reading.

And then she sent it anyway.

So, Emily Dickinson was a babbler, and she knew it. I like you better already, Em.

Protect the Eyebrows

Okay, time for a silly post focusing on a silly confession. Oh, and I may also have included a war cry.

You see, I am obsessed with eyebrows. I love how much information they convey about a person. If I had the time/was smart enough, I would develop the eyebrow version of phrenology. "Ah, yes, the height of your arch means you have an evil disposition and a tendency towards villainy. But the way the hairs taper away at the edges indicates you are too stupid to be of any concern to society." Also, I am such a (word) nerd that I just looked up the Greek word for eyebrow in an attempt to create a word representing the eyebrow version of phrenology. (Spoiler: I don't know enough Greek to make it work. [Insert "It's all Greek to me, hardy har har" joke.])

If you think about it, though, eyebrows are so important. We use them in all of our most dramatic facial expressions. Babies, those babbers, read our moods in our expressions, which are framed almost entirely with our eyebrows. And when we don't have eyebrows, we start to look uncanny, like there is something awfully human and familiar about us, but we don't exactly look like all the other humans. We start to look a little...alien.

Trust me: I've seen people without eyebrows. One of my sisters accidentally shaved off the inner corners of her eyebrows whilst trying to shave those pesky monobrow hairs in-between. And my pseudo-sister/college roommate plucked her eyebrows away and then drew them back in place for years. She walked out into a rainstorm one day without her umbrella, and her eyebrows washed clean off.

Here is a great illustration for you. I present to you Lee Pace, one of many actors with fabulous eyebrows who actually uses his eyebrows when he's acting. (If actors don't use their eyebrows, I automatically consider them poor actors.)

These Eyebrows Are So Glorious They Need To Be Protected

What The What?!

I'm in denial that this is actually Lee Pace. His eyebrows are practically national parks. It's like someone wiped Yellowstone off the map. I kid you not, there is a whole blog on Tumblr dedicated to taking the eyebrows off of Lee Pace's pictures. When will the madness end?

Luckily for me, there are many wonderful eyebrows to behold and/or imagine. One of my favorite descriptions of Gandalf in the Hobbit is of the way his eyebrows stuck out past the brim of his hat. !!! Those are some intense old-man eyebrows! And they are in as much need for protection as Lee Pace's glorious brows. With plucking and razors and lasers (oh my!), there is a lack of truly natural, truly beautiful eyebrows. I plan to protect this endangered species.

Because one time, I didn't. When I was 18, I got dragged into a game I didn't want to play (hello, Red Rover, a game meant for tiny children). To make a long story short (too late), someone with a hard skull smashed their face into my right eyebrow. I had two black eyes for several weeks and a cartoonishly large bump on my head. Nine years later, my eyebrow still droops with scar tissue. My once-perfect expressions have felt lopsided ever since. I learned the hard way how important my eyebrows are to me (and also how vain I am).

Learn from my mistake, people. Protect the eyebrows! Protect them at all costs! TO WAR!

After all, look at the way Mulan's eyebrows define her war face.

Pride and Prejudice and the Pursuit of Truth

I was listening to Audible's Pride and Prejudice dark and early this morning, and I heard something that made me think of my search for gospel truth. In the story, Elizabeth is asking her sister Jane what gossip she has gathered about their friend Mr. Wickham. Jane reports that Mr. Bingley says that Mr. Darcy says that Mr. Wickham is not a good guy. Elizabeth points out that Mr. Bingley does not actually know Mr. Wickham himself. He only knows what he has heard about Mr. Wickham. Such an opinion does not, of course, satisfy Elizabeth. She knows that she must find out the truth for herself.

When I heard this exchange, a refrain was looping in my mind. "Pray for yourself to know if it's true! Pray for yourself to know if it's true!"

Elizabeth Bennet is wary of receiving truth by hearsay alone; she determines to seek out truth by experience. She wants to know for herself--and that is exactly how we gain personal, substantial testimonies that will not fall.

In this morning's BYU devotional, Elder Allan F. Packer taught a five-step approach for knowing and accepting gospel truths.

1. Study it out. I'm following Sister Wendy Watson Nelson's challenge from Sunday to pray over the scriptures with a question and then read them until you find an answer.
2. Don't abandon everything you already know. Instead, continue studying to see how the truth fits in with the other truths. Connect the dots.
3. Use trustworthy sources AKA not Google. Listen (and feel) for the promptings of the Holy Ghost. Read within the canon of scriptures and continued revelation.
4. Put things in context, especially the original context. Consider the meaning of the words at the time they were spoken or written. Try to remove your contemporary bias.
5. Exercise faith, patience, and trust. ("Ain't nobody got time for that!") (Just kidding.)

This blog post has begun to delve into epistemological theory, which I really need to study more to understand better. In the meantime, I return to Elizabeth Bennet's side. Through her own experiences, she confirms what Jane said that Mr. Bingley said that Mr. Darcy said. Wickham is not a good guy. (He is, in fact, a rake.) Now she can act with confidence, with hope for a good outcome, because she OWNS this knowledge of Wickham's character. Of course, her search for knowledge also leads her to a less prideful, less prejudiced understanding of many other people, as well. 

I go forth to own knowledge. I go forth to experiment on the word of God. I go forth to remove my pride. All because of a handful of captured morning moments.

Capture the Morning

...arise early, that your bodies and minds may be invigorated.

Doctrine and Covenants 88:124

I am living a paradox.

In one reality, I am a morning person. I love dawn. I love watching the sky grow lighter, even on a cloudy day. There is something satisfying about the quiet of the ante meridian. It encourages, empowers, and energizes me. I do my best work in the mornings.

In another reality, however, I spend most of my mornings asleep or groggily getting ready in the bathroom. I check Facebook 200 times and rewatch beloved Youtube videos. Rarely do I harness the power of the early day. And then, to kick a woman when she's down, I usually take a nap in the afternoon.

The problem is that these realities overlap. Both exist right now, right here. Without the strict structure of student life, I wander about wondering what to do with my time. Teaching is such a small portion of my week, but it is sufficient to meet my immediate needs. I am rich in time, and without a clear direction for spending that time, I shut down. I sleep.

NO MORE. That's what I say to such bad habits. Instead of dreaming away the best hours of the day, I will capture the morning! I will use those moments to their fullest potential. I am going to invest my time in building a better Toni. Every day will be a little better than the day before. I will look ahead and not be afraid because there will always be the morning.

The morning will be mine.

Capturing such a wild beast won't be easy. I must pay the price--wisely.

...retire to thy bed early, that ye may not be weary...

Doctrine and Covenants 88:124

An earlier morning means an earlier evening if I'm going to do this right. A consistent bedtime routine will prepare me for a good night's rest. My face and teeth will be clean, my jammies will be warm, and my journal will help me reflect on the cares of the day and file them into their appropriate compartments. A prayer of gratitude and pleading always ends my day with the perfect touch. Doesn't that sound pleasant?

When I was attending early morning seminary in high school, I would wake up at 4:30am to shower and do my hair before arriving at seminary at least 10 minutes early. For the entire year before I started seminary, I got up at 4:30am just to practice. My main motivation? This stanza from a Longfellow poem:

The heights by great mean reached and kept

Were not attained by sudden flight,

But they, while their companions slept,

Were toiling upward in the night.

Excerpted from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's "The Ladder of St. Augustine"

So what will I do with my morning hours? Whatever I want! I've already got a list of ideas. Since starting this initiative, I have exercised, studied scriptures, read essays on art, and prepared lesson plans in order to capture the morning. I plan to carve more time for writing, as well, so this blog will reflect that.

"Oh goodness me, look at the time."

I've gone too long. If you want to read more about the benefits of "early to bed, early to rise," check out this great Liahona article from last year.

Oh, and if you are the morning, watch out. I'm coming for you.