You see, I am obsessed with eyebrows. I love how much information they convey about a person. If I had the time/was smart enough, I would develop the eyebrow version of phrenology. "Ah, yes, the height of your arch means you have an evil disposition and a tendency towards villainy. But the way the hairs taper away at the edges indicates you are too stupid to be of any concern to society." Also, I am such a (word) nerd that I just looked up the Greek word for eyebrow in an attempt to create a word representing the eyebrow version of phrenology. (Spoiler: I don't know enough Greek to make it work. [Insert "It's all Greek to me, hardy har har" joke.])
If you think about it, though, eyebrows are so important. We use them in all of our most dramatic facial expressions. Babies, those babbers, read our moods in our expressions, which are framed almost entirely with our eyebrows. And when we don't have eyebrows, we start to look uncanny, like there is something awfully human and familiar about us, but we don't exactly look like all the other humans. We start to look a little...alien.
Trust me: I've seen people without eyebrows. One of my sisters accidentally shaved off the inner corners of her eyebrows whilst trying to shave those pesky monobrow hairs in-between. And my pseudo-sister/college roommate plucked her eyebrows away and then drew them back in place for years. She walked out into a rainstorm one day without her umbrella, and her eyebrows washed clean off.
Here is a great illustration for you. I present to you Lee Pace, one of many actors with fabulous eyebrows who actually uses his eyebrows when he's acting. (If actors don't use their eyebrows, I automatically consider them poor actors.)
These Eyebrows Are So Glorious They Need To Be Protected
What The What?!
I'm in denial that this is actually Lee Pace. His eyebrows are practically national parks. It's like someone wiped Yellowstone off the map. I kid you not, there is a whole blog on Tumblr dedicated to taking the eyebrows off of Lee Pace's pictures. When will the madness end?
Luckily for me, there are many wonderful eyebrows to behold and/or imagine. One of my favorite descriptions of Gandalf in the Hobbit is of the way his eyebrows stuck out past the brim of his hat. !!! Those are some intense old-man eyebrows! And they are in as much need for protection as Lee Pace's glorious brows. With plucking and razors and lasers (oh my!), there is a lack of truly natural, truly beautiful eyebrows. I plan to protect this endangered species.
Because one time, I didn't. When I was 18, I got dragged into a game I didn't want to play (hello, Red Rover, a game meant for tiny children). To make a long story short (too late), someone with a hard skull smashed their face into my right eyebrow. I had two black eyes for several weeks and a cartoonishly large bump on my head. Nine years later, my eyebrow still droops with scar tissue. My once-perfect expressions have felt lopsided ever since. I learned the hard way how important my eyebrows are to me (and also how vain I am).
Learn from my mistake, people. Protect the eyebrows! Protect them at all costs! TO WAR!
After all, look at the way Mulan's eyebrows define her war face.
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